Last Monday I was nervous, excited and looking forward to the future. Fast forward a week and activities I enjoy such as reading, photography and spending time with friends has turned from a very pleasant way to pass the time to feeling like a chore. I feel like I’m inching back into depression, every day leeching some of my enjoyment in life and drawing me inexorably closer to the darkness.
The meeting last Monday should have been merely a blip, I should have been able to employ my silver lining thinking as I’ve been doing for a while now and come away feeling excited about the next phase of my life. Instead it feels like I’m going backwards instead of forwards. Part of me is worried about this development, wonders where to turn for help and is pondering if it’s going to pass sometime soon. The rest of me doesn’t actually care, which for me is a sure sign that things aren’t as they should be. Even spending time with my beloved husband isn’t enough to lift me out of it. I feel detached from the world in general, and as if I’m going through the motions of my life; attending appointments, practising physio exercises, taking my medication and just trying to get through each day. My world, which felt so very colourful this time last week, has faded to grey.